Monday, February 11, 2008
From the creative geniuses behind Sid B.R.E.A.M. comes
Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland. Same great / borderline inappropriate content but now with a semi-easier URL to type. Not to mention the fact that the name covers two fo the three mythical "3 W's" - The Wizards and Wu-Tang. The third W, which covers where we're from and who we be will go unspoken to protect the innocent, or in this case keep us from doing 3-5 for some "incidents" where the statute of limitations hasn't expired yet.
So long story short, add Made 'em Jump Like Rod Strickland to your "favorites" and check back daily, cause there is a good chance we'll actually post blogs...semi-occasionally.
Friday, February 8, 2008
American model, actor, television personality, statesman, former porn star, and rapper Simon Rex (who has actually held all of those aforementioned "jobs" but one - hint, its not not porn star) made the mistake of being caught smooching with Paris Hilton.
For the most part, I could care less about Simon-to-the-Rex. I will admit, however, that he had one of the best "Cribs" episodes ever. His house, literally, was on par with some of the hovels I work near in the South East area of Chocolate City. On the other hand, we have Paris Hilton and her wonky eye. I mean, seriously...when she is having threesomes, do the dudes get confused who she is looking at because her eyes are looking at both dude's taints at the same time?
Even if I didn't already have gonorrhea, I wouldn't touch her...wait a minute...who am I kidding...
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Everyone's favorite busted grill has checked herself into rehab, not to get her teetheses fixed as one would probably venture to guess, but because apparently she can't handle her booze.
First of all...how embarrassing...it's alcohol, man up and drink 800 beers like the rest of us - in the quiet dignity of your efficiency apartment watching "Can't Hardly Wait" 37 times on a loop. Second of all...Sweet Jebus, why would you ever want to stop drinking? Booze is the only thing that makes life and ugly people tolerable. Finally, 975% of the people in your "craft" have some sort of alcohol problem. But do you see Corbin Bernsen going to rehab? No...in fact...well...you don't really see him at all. Maybe someone should check on him to make sure he isn't passed out on his back so he doesn't choke on his own vomit.
Be a man - or in this case a kind of creepy looking saggy boobicled woman - and buy Tommy Gavin's book "I Drink Paint Thinner" on how to become a functioning alcoholic.
Monday, February 4, 2008
It appears as though my ex has had a change of heart and has left her good for nothing boyfriend. She stopped by my luxury single family home in the hills outside the city last night, begging for me to take her back.
After much soul searching and gnashing of teeth - and against my better judgement - I've decided to take her back and make an honest woman out of her.
By the by, we're registered at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and MVC.
Yours in wedded bliss and eventually bitter divorce,
Other than the day I got a call back for a guest spot on "227" as Jackee's love interest (damn you Carl Anthony Payne II), I have never been more elated about a potential tv or movie related happening.
My insider Hollywood sources (e.g. other blogs) are telling me that a movie version of "Arrested Development" is in the works!
Sweet day of days...Pack up the frozen banana stand, pawn the segway, cancel your membership in the magician's guild...the Bluth's are back, and they're out for blood.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Obviously there is only one thing to say, "Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole-wheat goddamn cracker."
This picture of Wyclef Jean is creepy on so many levels.
- Jean is holding dolls.
- Jean is holding dolls.
- SHe is dressed like some sort of Puma sponsored priest
- SHe appears to be flicking of the camera with HEr left hand, almost as if saying, "Fuck you. I'm creepy. I know it. I love boys, what of it??
Yours in blood,
Being the member of this holy triumvirate of bloggers with the most football acumen - I have two days of high school football under my belt (freshman football mind you, but that is neither here nor there) - I feel it is my duty to pass along my predictions for le Super Bowl.
First of all, there will be no winners in this game. I hate the Pats. I hate Tom Brady. I hate Teddy Bruschetta. I hate Adam Vinatieri (mostly because I wasted a 4th round fantasy football pick on him). I hate New England - except for Boston and any small hamlet that is responsible for maple syrup production. But I do love me some Randy "Straight Cash, Homey" Moss. As for those turds from the Meadowlands, the only thing going for them is that they actually play their games in the blessed state of New Jersey - unquestionably the greatest state in this fine Union of ours. Save for the Mets and their backers, I hate all New York fans, be they Yankee, Giants, Rangers, Islanders, Knickerbockers, or Liberty. There is nothing redeemable about those douche bags. They are, hands down, the worst fans ever.
Another reason that, despite the final score, no one will win this game: each of the teams sports a giant turd of a player. The Pats (by the way, I think it is hilarious that the Patriots share a name with an androgynous - and not in a good way like Liam Gallagher - character..."Pat" of Saturday Night Live fame)...have Laurence Maroney, a world class butt nugget. The kind of guy I would stab, if I wasn't so afraid of him. And the Lil' Gigantes have Osi Umenyiora, who we learned recently, "came to drop bombs".
So I know what you're saying..."give us your pick so we can start laying bets based on your learned ways and keen insights"...so here it is...With out a doubt, the final score will be:
Yours in devout Catholicism,
And when I say Cadillac, I mean All-Star game. Congrats to Tough Juice and Twan for getting named to the Eastern Conference All-Star reserves. Maybe while they're in the Big Easy, they can throw down a couple Heinekens with this guy above. Here's the list of the full teams. And thank God Tracy McGrady didn't get voted in, otherwise he would've put himself on front street for being a bitch. Oh wait, he already did that. Apparently the only safe place to hang out these days is on the Rockets injury report.
In other All-Star news, I will not be watching the dunk contest, partially as a boycott for the Igoudala robbery two years ago, mostly because the NBA took Jamario Moon over Nick Young this year. At least the Wiz will win the NBA All-Star unofficial gangster ass tattoo contest. I taught my 2 year old nephew how to do the "I can't feel my face" dance last week, now all I have to do is sneak him off to the tattoo parlor when my sister isn't looking.
Yours in blood,
Thursday, January 31, 2008
For all of you who miss Bobby Brown's reality show "Being Bobby Brown" as much as I do, you're in luck. Bobby is one several "musicians" who is featured on "Gone Country," a new show on CMT. I had no idea it was on until I was flipping through the channels and saw Bobby in a cowboy hat and Dee Snider of "Twisted Sister" chatting it up. Originally I thought it was a buddy cop show (what an awesome show that would be). Anyway, I recommend watching. Hopefully Bobby will pick doo doo out of someone's butt, like he did Whitney's.
Well, the Wiz got the crap kicked out of them last night, but I'll place most of the blame on the Benedict Arnold of College Park: Juan Dixon
Reasons to like Juan Dixon:
1) 35 points in game 4 of 2005 first round series vs. the Bulls
Reasons not to like Juan Dixon:
1) First productive game since leaving the Wiz was last night vs. the Wiz
2) Played at Maryland
3) Lived in Maryland
4) What could be worse than living in Maryland? Living in America Jr.
5) He played for this retard in college
6) He aligns himself with Didier Drogba type characters
7) No longer a Wizard
For real though, I heard on last night's broadcast that Juan was expecting a baby, so congratulations to him. Oddly enough though, I tuned into the Cleveland/Portland game last night, and noticed that Stevie Blake did not show any visible baby bump under his jersey, so those two lovebirds must still be in their first trimester.
On a side note, Queen James last night was quite ridiculous in that game. 37 and 14 including dropping 3 3 pointers in the last two minutes that touched zero rim, as well as the game winner with only .3 left on the clock. Regardless, he still travelled on the game 3 winner from the first round series in 2006. David Stern, I demand we replay those last 8 seconds.
Yours in blood,
...well it will be if someone with $5,499,987 wants to team up with my $13 and buy the eponymous "Run's House.
That's right Rev. Run is selling his house for a cool $5.5 million.
I have the above mentioned $13 to put towards the house, along with a solid collection of the last 4 years of Esquire and my lifetime seat in the greatest fantasy football league of all time. Who's with me????
By the by, I call Diggy's room.
Your humble servant,
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Even though she is dead to me (that happened the minute she got locked down by that turd boyfriend of hers and saddled with a bun in the oven and inevitable stretch marks), I held out hope...
Hope that Jessica Alba Beero would have a girl...so that one day (e.g. 18 years from this May or June), I could run into her kid (Jessica Alba, Jr.) - God willing that JA,Jr. was hot like her momma - at a bar, work my magic, turn on some baby making music, and...well...the rest writes itself...
But I've been burned again...the former Mrs. Jessica Alba Beero is preggers with a boy...
Apparently, this dude pulled out his false teeth and - thanks to his extremely rubbery face - graced us with this gem...
Reasons why I never saw this coming:
1.) He looks to be the picture of health
2.) He rocks his shirts with the top button buttoned, sans tie - kinda creepy
3.) He works in D.C. - where the life expectancy for males is 15.75 years
4.) Stat Boy is literally 5 foot nothin' - this has absolutely nothing to do with the heart attack, it's just creepy to see him darting around on Metro's Red Line like some creepy troll with insanely gelled hair. Plus he's super Italian, and as we all know the only good Italian comes with three types of spicy meats, some mortadella cheese, and is topped with sweet peppers and oil & vinegar.
I am a big fan of PTI, Wilbon, and Tony Kornheiser; so I wish Wilbon a speedy recovery - if only for the sole reason of keeping Skip Bayless from temporarily filling in for him.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
“Squeezing the Mind Grapes” will be a weekly column where we dive into the hypothetical. Lots of hard thought out “what if” scenarios, for example what if my sister hadn’t introduced me to hard liquor at the age of 12? Well, we won’t use that one because that post would quickly deteriorate into a modern day Profiles in Courage with yours truly being the main character. And let’s be honest, I'm a more likable character when I’m taking the HOV lane to blackout country. With that said, let’s move on to the inaugural edition of “Squeezing the Mind Grapes.”
Recently, a friend of mine who works in college sports forwarded me an article from scout.com where they rank the top 12 NFL Alumni teams by college. The article only takes players currently playing in the NFL, which is different than the dead horse that is the “All-Time Roster” comparisons that ESPN has been beating for the last five years. Whether it’s ranked by combined felonies and misdemeanors or by straight up talent, the U ran away with this one. Clearly the only reason my friend forwarded this to me is she is a U alumnus. I am forced to point out however, that she’s a Cowboys fan, so unfortunately for her that’s minus 33% in credibility. But in her defense, she’s pretty hot, so that’s plus 33% in credibility….let’s see…..carry the one…..take away the remainder….divide by pi…..fuck it, we’ll just call this one even.
So after reading this, it got me thinking what if we did the same thing for the NBA? And that my friends, will be the first edition of S.t.M.G. Obviously we can’t go 12 teams deep in the NBA, as it’s a much smaller league with much smaller rosters, so I figured I’d do a pretenders group, and then a Final 4. Don’t like that format? As my homeboy Larry David would say, "Fuck Hugh."
G – Jason Richardson (CHA)
G – Charlie Bell (MIL)
F – Zach Randolph (NYK)
F – Morris Peterson (NO)
C – Paul Davis (LAC)
Bench: Maurice Ager (DAL), Shannon Brown (CLE), Eric Snow (CLE)
You think from all the success that the Spartans have had in the last decade, that they’d be able to put up a better team than this. You’re dead wrong. Arguably their best player from this era, Mateen Cleaves was last seen playing for the Nets in a preseason game before getting waived.
G – Rajon Rondo (BOS)
G – Keith Bogans (ORL)
F – Tayshaun Prince (DET)
F – Antoine Walker (MIN)
C – Jamaal Magloire (NJN)
Bench: Derek Anderson (CHA), Nazr Mohammed (CHA), Chuck Hayes (HOU)
Greasy ass Pitino and “the most famous light skin brotha in college basketball since Miles Simon” Tubby Smith certainly had their fair share of talent while coaching at
G – Baron Davis (GSW)
G – Earl Watson (SEA)
F – Jason Kapono (TOR)
F – Aaron Afflalo (DET)
C – Dan Gadzuric (MIL)
Bench: Matt Barnes (GSW), Jordan Farmar (LAL), Ryan Hollins (CHA)
Baron Davis is clearly the best here, but unfortunately he’ll never reach his potential because of injuries. I watched him play in the Capital Classic his senior year of high school (he was on the same squad as Gadzuric, who was fresh from
G – Jason Williams (MIA)
G – Corey Brewer (MIN)
F – Mike Miller (MEM)
F – Joakim Noah (CHI)
C – Al Horford (ATL)
Bench: David Lee (NYK), Matt Bonner (SA), Udonis Haslem (MIA)
Ugh, I can’t even believe I’m putting a
G – Daniel Gibson (CLE)
G – T.J. Ford (TOR)
F – Kevin Durant (SEA)
F – Lamarcus Aldridge (POR)
C – Chris Mihm (LAL)
Bench: Royal Ivey (MIL), Maurice Evans (ORL)
This is a tough one, because in about 5 years this team could easily be in the top 3, just way too young right now. Kevin Durant will be a better player and playa’ than Greg Oden, you can mark my words. T.J. Ford could be much better if he could manage to keep his spine intact. I hate Daniel Gibson because there’s zero reason any grown man should allow himself to be referred to as “Boobie.” Aldridge is going to eventually pan out and be a big part of that
Final 4 #4 Duke
G – Luol Deng (CHI)
G – Corey Maggette (LAC)
F – Carlos Boozer (UTA)
F – Elton Brand (LAC)
C – Shelden Williams (ATL)
Bench: Chris Duhon (CHI), Shane Battier (HOU), Mike Dunleavy (IND), Grant Hill (PHX), J.J. Reddick(ulously gay) (ORL)
The rankings for the Final 4 teams was very tough, because as you’ll see they all have tons of talent and depth on their rosters. Choosing #4 was probably the easiest choice though, and that’s because I hate Duke. Looking at their roster though, I will have to say that recently Duke has really recruited some top tier talent to their program. Up until the late 90s, and even into the early 2000s, Duke was notorious for having great college players and terrible or non existent pros. Prime examples: Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, William Avery and Trajan Langdon. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a handful of idiots that come out of Duke who either suck at life or make terrible decisions (I’m looking in your direction Jay Williams) but at least their more recent big names are becoming mediocre talent instead of becoming NBDL fodder. At the end of the day though, one thing is for certain. Duke is awful at life.
G – Raymond Felton (CHA)
G – Jerry Crackhouse (DAL)
F – Vince Carter (NJN)
F – Antawn Jamison (WAS)
C – Rasheed Wallace (DET)
Bench: Sean May (CHA), Brendan Haywood (WAS), Marvin Williams (ATL), Brandan Wright (GSW)
Let the hate begin. I know of a certain friend of mine who will have a conniption when he sees I ranked UNC at 3. But let’s be real here, all I see in that roster is four starters who are in the twilight of their careers and a bunch of young guys that haven’t proven themselves. You know that Jamison’s my dude though simply because he plays for the BEST TEAM EVER. Felton is a good young PG, but he’s no Deron Williams or Chris Paul. Brendan Haywood has, as a friend of mine says, his wires crossed because he “has a soft heart and hard hands when he should have a hard heart and soft hands.” Truer words were never spoken. Unless someone said that Brenda’s (you see what I did right there, I left the N of his name, inferring that he’s a woman because he pulls hair in fights. +1 me) head looks like a Milk Dud, because it totally does. I think the rest of the young guys are going to be serviceable, but never a power player in the L.
G – Gilbert Arenas (WAS)
G – Mike Bibby (SAC)
F – Richard Jefferson (NJN)
F – Andre Igoudala (PHL)
C – Channing Frye (POR)
Bench: Jason Terry (DAL), Luke Walton (LAL), Salim Stoudamire (ATL)
Sweet Jesus talk about
G – Ray Allen (BOS)
G – Rip Hamilton (DET)
F – Caron Butler (WAS)
F – Rudy Gay (MEM)
C – Emeka Okafor (CHA)
Bench: Charlie Villanueva (TOR), Ben Gordon (CHI), Donyell Marshall (CLE), Josh Boone (NJN), Marcus Williams (NJN)
Holy loaded roster. Perfect blend of vets and young guns, tons of depth on the bench and a Bullet and Bullet alumnus on the squad to top it off. Imagine how good this team would’ve been if the
Yours in blood,
Monday, January 28, 2008
So what better way to kick off my first post? Ethan "Red Scare" Albright has been added to the NFC Pro Bowl team as the long snapper. You heard me right, Ethan fuckin' Albright. The same long snapper who a certain pro football video game mogul rated as the worst player in his game in 2007.
What have we learned from all this? Several things:
1) John Madden is obsolete. Not as a football analyst, as a human.
2) Redskins > You
3) Shaun Alexander's street cred just dropped to an unquantifiable negative integer, partially because he was the coverboy of Madden '07, mostly because you can drive an H1 through that gap in his teeth. Remember, it's not the "cool Fab Five Jalen Rose gap in the teeth" gap either. Thus the negatives.
Yours in blood,
Sweet Chocolate Christ...he looks awful...either he is doing a 3 "ep" run as a burn victim on season 5 of "Rescue Moi" or he literally fell into that acid bath from the original "Batman" that fucked the shite out of the Joker.
...also at this event, to celebrate the Giants' trip to the Super Bowl, was Jeremy Piven...who obviously found a few minutes to leave the set of his new movie "Newsies II: Male Pattern Baldness Strikes Back"...
now she looks...um...well...butt trifiling...
not only does she look like she is about 45 years old...she is associating herself with the type of hipster dufuses i want to stab with a broken beer bottle...$50 says this turd guy wears women's jeans...
yours in skulduggery,