Thursday, January 31, 2008

He's Back... And He's Wearing A Cowboy Hat


For all of you who miss Bobby Brown's reality show "Being Bobby Brown" as much as I do, you're in luck. Bobby is one several "musicians" who is featured on "Gone Country," a new show on CMT. I had no idea it was on until I was flipping through the channels and saw Bobby in a cowboy hat and Dee Snider of "Twisted Sister" chatting it up. Originally I thought it was a buddy cop show (what an awesome show that would be). Anyway, I recommend watching. Hopefully Bobby will pick doo doo out of someone's butt, like he did Whitney's.

Juan Dick-son: Traitor

"You Canadians are all the same, with your beady little eyes and your flapping jaws...." - Sheila Broflovski


Well, the Wiz got the crap kicked out of them last night, but I'll place most of the blame on the Benedict Arnold of College Park: Juan Dixon

Reasons to like Juan Dixon:

1) 35 points in game 4 of 2005 first round series vs. the Bulls

Reasons not to like Juan Dixon:

1) First productive game since leaving the Wiz was last night vs. the Wiz
2) Played at Maryland
3) Lived in Maryland
4) What could be worse than living in Maryland? Living in America Jr.
5) He played for this retard in college
6) He aligns himself with Didier Drogba type characters
7) No longer a Wizard

For real though, I heard on last night's broadcast that Juan was expecting a baby, so congratulations to him. Oddly enough though, I tuned into the Cleveland/Portland game last night, and noticed that Stevie Blake did not show any visible baby bump under his jersey, so those two lovebirds must still be in their first trimester.

On a side note, Queen James last night was quite ridiculous in that game. 37 and 14 including dropping 3 3 pointers in the last two minutes that touched zero rim, as well as the game winner with only .3 left on the clock. Regardless, he still travelled on the game 3 winner from the first round series in 2006. David Stern, I demand we replay those last 8 seconds.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

Whose House? My House...



...well it will be if someone with $5,499,987 wants to team up with my $13 and buy the eponymous "Run's House.

That's right Rev. Run is selling his house for a cool $5.5 million.

I have the above mentioned $13 to put towards the house, along with a solid collection of the last 4 years of Esquire and my lifetime seat in the greatest fantasy football league of all time. Who's with me????

By the by, I call Diggy's room.

Your humble servant,
Blogmaster B

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Wed. Night Hoops Notes

Tonight won't be as good as last night as far as basketball on television (The Wiz, Mason and Virginia Tech all won). However, the Wiz are in action again against the Raptors -- this time in Canada. Our sources (I heard it on television) say Caron is doubtful. Not to worry -- The Wiz pulled out an OT win last night even without Juice. The good news -- because the game is in Canada the Raptors are starting Avril Lavigne at the point and the brontosaurus from "The Land Before Time" in place of Bosh. Even if the Wiz lose, they still win. They get to come back to the U.S. The Raptors have to stay in Canada. Ouch...

UGH, UGH, UGH...


UGH...

Even though she is dead to me (that happened the minute she got locked down by that turd boyfriend of hers and saddled with a bun in the oven and inevitable stretch marks), I held out hope...

Hope that Jessica Alba Beero would have a girl...so that one day (e.g. 18 years from this May or June), I could run into her kid (Jessica Alba, Jr.) - God willing that JA,Jr. was hot like her momma - at a bar, work my magic, turn on some baby making music, and...well...the rest writes itself...

But I've been burned again...the former Mrs. Jessica Alba Beero is preggers with a boy...

Sid B.R.E.A.M.'s photo of the day...

This photo, courtesy of our good friends at may be the singular greatest mugshot ever taken. Well, it at least put's Nick Nolte and James Brown's to shame...

Apparently, this dude pulled out his false teeth and - thanks to his extremely rubbery face - graced us with this gem...

File this under: "We never saw this coming..."

This week's most shocking news: ESPN talking head and Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon had a heart attack whilst in Arizona covering le "Big Game".

Reasons why I never saw this coming:
1.) He looks to be the picture of health
2.) He rocks his shirts with the top button buttoned, sans tie - kinda creepy
3.) He works in D.C. - where the life expectancy for males is 15.75 years
4.) Stat Boy is literally 5 foot nothin' - this has absolutely nothing to do with the heart attack, it's just creepy to see him darting around on Metro's Red Line like some creepy troll with insanely gelled hair. Plus he's super Italian, and as we all know the only good Italian comes with three types of spicy meats, some mortadella cheese, and is topped with sweet peppers and oil & vinegar.

I am a big fan of PTI, Wilbon, and Tony Kornheiser; so I wish Wilbon a speedy recovery - if only for the sole reason of keeping Skip Bayless from temporarily filling in for him.

Agent Beero

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tuesday Night Hoops Notes

A few quick hoops notes from Tuesday night's games: First off, and most importantly, The Wiz are without Caron Butler. Apparently he will miss not only tonight's game, but also tomorrow night's as the result of an injury he suffered during Sunday night's overtime loss to the Bucks. Both tonight and tomorrow's games are against the Raptors -- not... too... good. Who Blatched Ya? started in his place tonight. Hopefully reverse mohawk goatees will result in rebounds. Also, on ESPN2 Mason takes on VCU. When teams from Virginia play each other, there are no real losers... except for UVa.

Squeezing the Mind Grapes: NBA NCAA Alumni

“Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like...Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...” – Michael Scott


Squeezing the Mind Grapes” will be a weekly column where we dive into the hypothetical. Lots of hard thought out “what if” scenarios, for example what if my sister hadn’t introduced me to hard liquor at the age of 12? Well, we won’t use that one because that post would quickly deteriorate into a modern day Profiles in Courage with yours truly being the main character. And let’s be honest, I'm a more likable character when I’m taking the HOV lane to blackout country. With that said, let’s move on to the inaugural edition of “Squeezing the Mind Grapes.”

Recently, a friend of mine who works in college sports forwarded me an article from scout.com where they rank the top 12 NFL Alumni teams by college. The article only takes players currently playing in the NFL, which is different than the dead horse that is the “All-Time Roster” comparisons that ESPN has been beating for the last five years. Whether it’s ranked by combined felonies and misdemeanors or by straight up talent, the U ran away with this one. Clearly the only reason my friend forwarded this to me is she is a U alumnus. I am forced to point out however, that she’s a Cowboys fan, so unfortunately for her that’s minus 33% in credibility. But in her defense, she’s pretty hot, so that’s plus 33% in credibility….let’s see…..carry the one…..take away the remainder….divide by pi…..fuck it, we’ll just call this one even.

So after reading this, it got me thinking what if we did the same thing for the NBA? And that my friends, will be the first edition of S.t.M.G. Obviously we can’t go 12 teams deep in the NBA, as it’s a much smaller league with much smaller rosters, so I figured I’d do a pretenders group, and then a Final 4. Don’t like that format? As my homeboy Larry David would say, "Fuck Hugh."

The Pretenders:

Michigan State

G – Jason Richardson (CHA)
G – Charlie Bell (MIL)
F – Zach Randolph (NYK)
F – Morris Peterson (NO)
C – Paul Davis (LAC)

Bench: Maurice Ager (DAL), Shannon Brown (CLE), Eric Snow (CLE)

You think from all the success that the Spartans have had in the last decade, that they’d be able to put up a better team than this. You’re dead wrong. Arguably their best player from this era, Mateen Cleaves was last seen playing for the Nets in a preseason game before getting waived. Randolph plays on the butt trifling Knicks, Mo Peterson is well past his prime and it’s never a good sign when Charlie Bell is one of the starting guards. Shannon Brown and Maurice Ager could be good eventually, but I think they’ll never fully regain their confidence after losing their last college game to a certain local hoops program that may or may not rhyme with Forge Grayson.

Kentucky

G – Rajon Rondo (BOS)
G – Keith Bogans (ORL)
F – Tayshaun Prince (DET)
F – Antoine Walker (MIN)
C – Jamaal Magloire (NJN)

Bench: Derek Anderson (CHA), Nazr Mohammed (CHA), Chuck Hayes (HOU)

Greasy ass Pitino and “the most famous light skin brotha in college basketball since Miles Simon” Tubby Smith certainly had their fair share of talent while coaching at Kentucky. It’s too bad none of their superstars their really ever panned out in the pros. Antoine Walker has never met a shot or home invasion he hasn’t liked, Walter McCarty’s high point of his career was being Jesus Shuttlesworth’s center at Lincoln, and most of the guys you would’ve thought to be well established professionals like Ron Mercer and Tony Delk are most likely making it rain with pesos in Tijuana right now.

UCLA

G – Baron Davis (GSW)
G – Earl Watson (SEA)
F – Jason Kapono (TOR)
F – Aaron Afflalo (DET)
C – Dan Gadzuric (MIL)

Bench: Matt Barnes (GSW), Jordan Farmar (LAL), Ryan Hollins (CHA)

Baron Davis is clearly the best here, but unfortunately he’ll never reach his potential because of injuries. I watched him play in the Capital Classic his senior year of high school (he was on the same squad as Gadzuric, who was fresh from Holland at that time) and the dude was a beast. I’ve never seen a guy his height fly through the lane and throw down 360 two handed dunks in traffic. His athleticism was off the charts, and I was really excited to see his game develop, but then he went to UCLA, blew out his knee and has never been the same player since. Don’t get me wrong, he’s ill, but had there never been a knee injury, this guy would be top 5 talent right now easy. At least his beard game is still strong to quite strong.

Florida

G – Jason Williams (MIA)
G – Corey Brewer (MIN)
F – Mike Miller (MEM)
F – Joakim Noah (CHI)
C – Al Horford (ATL)

Bench: David Lee (NYK), Matt Bonner (SA), Udonis Haslem (MIA)

Ugh, I can’t even believe I’m putting a Florida team in here. Florida’s biggest claims to fame as a state is the whole voting debacle in 2000, and being a permanent backdrop for the TV show Cops. No basketball history outside of the last 5 years, but they’ve run this shit for the past two so you know they’re going to have some talent in the L. We’ll use a point system for this squad. Mike Miller was one of the first white boys to publicly rock icicle sideburns, so +1 pt for that. David Lee beat out James “Flight” White in a HS dunk contest, so -5 for that (Worst rigged dunk contest ever. Worst than Nate Robinson winning over Igoudala two years ago. Youtube James White and you’ll see what I’m saying.) I put Jason Williams in here even though he got booted for puffing that kush, but hey, the man’s gangster as shit and he’s got “WHIT” tattooed on his right fingers and “EBOY” tattooed on left fingers so +5 for him. Noah, Horford, and Brewer knocked my school from the Final Four so a combined -543,667,932 pts. for them. Final score? -543,667,931 pts. Way to go retards.

Texas

G – Daniel Gibson (CLE)
G – T.J. Ford (TOR)
F – Kevin Durant (SEA)
F – Lamarcus Aldridge (POR)
C – Chris Mihm (LAL)

Bench: Royal Ivey (MIL), Maurice Evans (ORL)

This is a tough one, because in about 5 years this team could easily be in the top 3, just way too young right now. Kevin Durant will be a better player and playa’ than Greg Oden, you can mark my words. T.J. Ford could be much better if he could manage to keep his spine intact. I hate Daniel Gibson because there’s zero reason any grown man should allow himself to be referred to as “Boobie.” Aldridge is going to eventually pan out and be a big part of that Portland youth movement for years to come. Chris Mihm? Only superlative I can think of is he’s probably higher on the depth chart at this point than Kwame is and Mihm is hurt. Oh and Royal Ivey, I forgot to tell you something after you nailed that shot vs. the Wiz on Sunday in OT. FUCK YOU.

Final 4

#4 Duke

G – Luol Deng (CHI)
G – Corey Maggette (LAC)
F – Carlos Boozer (UTA)
F – Elton Brand (LAC)
C – Shelden Williams (ATL)

Bench: Chris Duhon (CHI), Shane Battier (HOU), Mike Dunleavy (IND), Grant Hill (PHX), J.J. Reddick(ulously gay) (ORL)

The rankings for the Final 4 teams was very tough, because as you’ll see they all have tons of talent and depth on their rosters. Choosing #4 was probably the easiest choice though, and that’s because I hate Duke. Looking at their roster though, I will have to say that recently Duke has really recruited some top tier talent to their program. Up until the late 90s, and even into the early 2000s, Duke was notorious for having great college players and terrible or non existent pros. Prime examples: Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, William Avery and Trajan Langdon. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a handful of idiots that come out of Duke who either suck at life or make terrible decisions (I’m looking in your direction Jay Williams) but at least their more recent big names are becoming mediocre talent instead of becoming NBDL fodder. At the end of the day though, one thing is for certain. Duke is awful at life.

#3 North Carolina

G – Raymond Felton (CHA)
G – Jerry Crackhouse (DAL)
F – Vince Carter (NJN)
F – Antawn Jamison (WAS)
C – Rasheed Wallace (DET)

Bench: Sean May (CHA), Brendan Haywood (WAS), Marvin Williams (ATL), Brandan Wright (GSW)

Let the hate begin. I know of a certain friend of mine who will have a conniption when he sees I ranked UNC at 3. But let’s be real here, all I see in that roster is four starters who are in the twilight of their careers and a bunch of young guys that haven’t proven themselves. You know that Jamison’s my dude though simply because he plays for the BEST TEAM EVER. Felton is a good young PG, but he’s no Deron Williams or Chris Paul. Brendan Haywood has, as a friend of mine says, his wires crossed because he “has a soft heart and hard hands when he should have a hard heart and soft hands.” Truer words were never spoken. Unless someone said that Brenda’s (you see what I did right there, I left the N of his name, inferring that he’s a woman because he pulls hair in fights. +1 me) head looks like a Milk Dud, because it totally does. I think the rest of the young guys are going to be serviceable, but never a power player in the L.

#2 Arizona

G – Gilbert Arenas (WAS)
G – Mike Bibby (SAC)
F – Richard Jefferson (NJN)
F – Andre Igoudala (PHL)
C – Channing Frye (POR)

Bench: Jason Terry (DAL), Luke Walton (LAL), Salim Stoudamire (ATL)

Sweet Jesus talk about Guard University. Had it not been for Damon Stoudamire being waived last week he would’ve made this list too. By the by, how does a guy who was rookie of the year end up getting waived by a doo doo feces team in a very anti-climatic fashion? I’ll tell you how. This way. And this way. Well done Mighty Mouse. The more I think about it, the more I think that this school underachieves. They have TONS of talent in college but not many of the guys make it in the league. Remember who the best player on the 1997 Championship team was? Not Mike Bibby, but Miles Simon who I last saw wearing jorts with flip flops and socks watching an NBA game from the 400 level. Remember that 2001 team that lost to Duke in the championship game? All 5 starters were projected to be taken in the draft; Gilbert Arenas, Richard Jefferson, Jason Gardner, Michael Wright and Loren Woods. Only two still play in the league. And only one of them is cool. The other one is like that guy who you hang out with to make yourself look better. Still, they get the nod over Duke and UNC based on youth and Agent Zero.

#1 UConn

G – Ray Allen (BOS)
G – Rip Hamilton (DET)
F – Caron Butler (WAS)
F – Rudy Gay (MEM)
C – Emeka Okafor (CHA)

Bench: Charlie Villanueva (TOR), Ben Gordon (CHI), Donyell Marshall (CLE), Josh Boone (NJN), Marcus Williams (NJN)

Holy loaded roster. Perfect blend of vets and young guns, tons of depth on the bench and a Bullet and Bullet alumnus on the squad to top it off. Imagine how good this team would’ve been if the Chicago brass would’ve been smart enough to put pizzas on the rim to motivate fat ass Khalid El-Amin when they drafted him. Now where is he? Playing in Israel dodging RPGs on his way to the rim. Seriously though, look at that starting 5. No other team in this list can even hold a candle to that. I would probably take this UConn team over every pretender team combined. They do lose street cred because Ray Ray plays for the evil empire now and they do have a guy with the last name Gay, which no one can really take seriously in a testosterone filled environment like the NBA. Holy shit, that last sentence sounded like John Amaechi wrote it, so I'm out this bitch.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro.



Monday, January 28, 2008

Who Ya Got?

One of them is a 7' Eastern European who will take a shot from anywhere on the floor -- absolutely anywhere. The other was in "Roadtrip" with Stifler and Breckin Meyer. So, who ya got -- Pech or DJ Qualls?






How you like them apples Madden?

"I'm a hustler homey, you a customer croney/Got some, dirt on my shoulder, could you brush it off for me?" - Jay Z


As designated Local Sports Guru Agent Hiro, I will be covering the Skins, Bullets, DC United, Mason Hoops, NVSL Division II Adult League Soccer, the baseball Team from The Sandlot, Rick Moranis and the Little Giants, Ty Webb's historic run on the back nine at the Bushwood Invitational, and pretty much everything else sporting that is not from that God awful shit hole excuse of a city Boston. Not only that, my posts will be kicked off with an appropriate song lyric or quote from pop culture that either pertains to the story, or summarizes my feelings on it.

So what better way to kick off my first post? Ethan "Red Scare" Albright has been added to the NFC Pro Bowl team as the long snapper. You heard me right, Ethan fuckin' Albright. The same long snapper who a certain pro football video game mogul rated as the worst player in his game in 2007.

What have we learned from all this? Several things:

1) John Madden is obsolete. Not as a football analyst, as a human.

2) Redskins > You

3) Shaun Alexander's street cred just dropped to an unquantifiable negative integer, partially because he was the coverboy of Madden '07, mostly because you can drive an H1 through that gap in his teeth. Remember, it's not the "cool Fab Five Jalen Rose gap in the teeth" gap either. Thus the negatives.

Yours in blood,
Agent Hiro

And now here he is ladies & gentlemen, the star of our show, direct from the burn unit...

...Mr. Tom Arnold...



Sweet Chocolate Christ...he looks awful...either he is doing a 3 "ep" run as a burn victim on season 5 of "Rescue Moi" or he literally fell into that acid bath from the original "Batman" that fucked the shite out of the Joker.

...also at this event, to celebrate the Giants' trip to the Super Bowl, was Jeremy Piven...who obviously found a few minutes to leave the set of his new movie "Newsies II: Male Pattern Baldness Strikes Back"...



Agent Beero

Agent Beero's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him...

Sweet sassy molassy...and to think, just four short years ago i thought ally hilfiger was dope. she was everything i wanted in a woman: she was on tv (by the by, her show "rich girls" on mtv was not only fantastic, it qualifies as one of the few shows that rates a "tanfastic" in my book), hot, rich, younger than me, hot, rich, rich, easily manipulated, rich, hot, and had teeth white enough to keep ships from crashing into rocky coastlines in the night...




now she looks...um...well...butt trifiling...


not only does she look like she is about 45 years old...she is associating herself with the type of hipster dufuses i want to stab with a broken beer bottle...$50 says this turd guy wears women's jeans...

yours in skulduggery,
Agent Beero